I remember going to my great grandmother’s funeral when I was a kid.
I was still in the single digits so I didn’t know better to be sad. The whole thing seemed like a party to me. I got to hang out with my cousins and every adult was treating us kids like we could do no wrong. Maybe they saw us as the contrast to what lay in the coffin - our bounding life to her still death. Maybe they feared we would one day be looking down on them just like we were my grandmother. Maybe it made them sad to think that one day we - their children - would also pass.
But not one of those thoughts crossed my mind that day.
Well, the party is over. Now I am that ‘adult’ who is just starting to appreciate the concepts of aging and death.
Two things that happened while I was home for the holidays made me start thinking about all of this. One, as I wrote previously, was my Memere and her declining health. The other was having to sit with the family lawyer to go over my parents’ will.
As for my Memere - we finally had the talk. It was Wedneday morning - the day I was supposed to leave MA for DC - and we were sitting at the kitchen table. My mom had gone to run an errand and everyone else was at the restaurant. It was just me and Memere.
I’m not going to rehash the whole conversation but it’s fair to say it was emotionally draining. She was upset to hear me tell her I thought she needed to go into a nursing home. Keep in mind, she can’t sit up straight anymore, walk without a walker, or get out of her reclining chair - which she sleeps on because her back is so bad she can’t lay flat - for more than a half hour at a time.
Being this is the 10th year since she has been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease she is doing well for someone who has had it this long. But that’s not saying much. “Well” is a very relative term. “Well” can mean not being on a feeding tube or a ventilator. “Well” can mean being able to get vertical once or twice a day. With Parkinson’s “well” can mean being able to talk.
Responding to my thoughts about her going into a nursing home Memere told me she blamed herself for all of this. If she weren’t so independent it would be easier to accept what is happening to her. It would be easier to accept the fact she won’t be able to do all those things she wanted to do in her life. To accept the fact she will die with dreams unfulfilled.
Now that’s a statement that will make you think. It sure has made me.
Memere also said some hurtful things. That she was being abandoned and that after all her life of helping others no one is there to help her. I know she was saying these things because she was scared and upset, but those are the kind of things that just hurt.
I will always be there for my family - for whatever they need - but I believe there are some things a child should never have to do for their parent. It’s those very things she is asking of my mother. And not only personal and private things, but also non-tangible things. By asking to take care of her in the house Memere is indirectly asking my mother to give up a huge chunk of her life during a time when she is trying to fulfill her own dreams.
Overall it’s a sad situation. It’s frustrating. It’s draining. But the right decision is for Memere to get the care she needs by professionals who can give it to her 24/7. I just wish she would accept this.
All I know is sitting across from her at the table looking at the women she has become and thinking of the women she once was has killed a little piece of my innocence. She is my blood. This could be my mom in 25 years. This could be me in 50.
But it could only be me phsycially. I will not have any regrets. I will never stop until I make all my dreams realities.
If anything this experience has given me more inspiration to fulfill my vision, mission, and goals.
Memere still has time to fulfill her dreams - she just may have to do them vicariously through me. I hope I make her proud.
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okay, you made me cry a little inside, that was a sweet and inspirational post!
You sure are a good grandson! Much better than I am.
You’re very wise to look past the hurtful comments and see them for what they are–desperate words from someone who’s scared. I wish you the best as you continue to work with her to remove the fear and confirm that she’s loved.
And just as they say that you have to give someone permission to hurt your feelings, you’re also the only one that can give your permission to abandon your dreams. It’s great that you can see so clearly and know enough to hold on to them. Power to the dreamers! We’re all that stands between the world and a fate worse than death–a life as Republicans.
J-Co - - you are an amazingly feeling man. I love that you are so in tuned with your emotions and the emotions of those around you. You make the life of people around you a better place.
As to Brian F who made a comment that a life as a Republican is a fate worse than death: you should definitely keep paying attention to Justin’s blog. Don’t you get what he’s saying: you have just cut out an enormous portion of the American population whose ideas are just as valuable as your own. You may think that Republicans are all crazies who live in the fly over states and ride mechanical bulls for fun. Well guess what. My partner is a woman. A proud lesbian. And a Republican. And while I’m a Democrat and disagree with some of her political ideology, I’m at least intelligent enough to realize that just because she’s a registered R, does not discount her ideas. They are thoughtful and insightful. And because you can’t stand to pay attention to the views of people who don’t agree with you, you will live a half-informed life.
Kate,,,,,,, WoW !!! I don’t know you, but I love the way you express yourself.
J - your mom just clinched it - Liz and I are coming to visit you and the ‘rents (and the pizza parlour) when you’re up there.
xo
Justin,
I love you so much, again I cry, and just know how very proud of you we all are, especially Memere, don’t you see the way you have made her life so much better just by being her grandson, and how lucky we are having you in our lives, you, at such a young age have given us all so much love, strength, and encouragment in our lives. Everyone has someone in their life they look up to and call their hero in life, you are mine, and I love you so very much. I will always be here for you.
Ayelet Waldman once recounted the story of how she met her husband, the novelist Michael Chabon. They were set up on a blind date by mutual friends and she began quizzing people about what they knew about Chabon. Because his debut novel featured gay characters, many people told Ayelet that he was gay. When they met for their first date, she immediately asked, “Are you gay?” Chabon rolled his eyes and said exasperatedly, “It’s a NOVEL!”
Similarly, in this instance…. It’s a JOKE. Kate, I admire your convictions and I, too, would leap to the defense of my partner if I felt him threatened. But please step back and see this not as an anti-Republican tirade but for what it really is–an attempt at levity, hoping to elicit a smile out of a caring man who has just gone through something very difficult. Poking fun at–not lambasting–an ideology I don’t always agree with (my parents are Republicans, I love them dearly, and I still disagree with them) is not a personal attack. Saying I live a half-informed life is.
If it helps to mend the fences, I could just as easily have said, “…fate worse than death–life as a publicist in Minnesota.” Line forms here for the MN publicists who want to take a crack at me. (There’s that levity again. Sorry.)
OMG I think this is the first cat fight on my blog ever!
How exciting!
MEOW!
I have to say though that I think you all explained yourselves very well!
Brian - You have a dry sense of humor - it’s the publicist in you. CRACKS ME UP! I love it! I can’t wait to have that fish bowl marguerita you owe me!!
Kate - Like I’ve said to you before…come join me on the middle side ;)! haha Being an independent is fun!
Taylor - don’t cry! Even if it is on the inside! BTW - how does one dry their inside tears?
Mom - You are the one dealing with 99% of all of this. You’re the one who is the inspiration. I love you!
Justin, I work in a nursing home. Many of our Residents move in kicking and screaming like your Memere. In time, most adjust quite well and some wonder why they ever fought it. I hope that might be the case for your Memere. It’s always tough for family members. Always. Just find the best possible place for her, and know that most of the staff members who work in such places do so because they love and appreciate older adults.
Also, there’s a great national program among nursing homes called Second Wind Dreams. They help families and staff members fulfill the dreams of senior adults. It is a heartwarming thing to participate in. You might ask about it when looking for a nursing home.
Peace.
Adam - Thanks for letting me know. I am going to forward this on to my mom so she can see it as well. I hadn’t heard about Second Wind - it will be good to look into. Thanks again!!