I’ve gone through so many phases in my life where I feel like I know myself so well I don’t know how clearer things can get. These moments in my life that are like - BANG - this is me and I love it.

And then something - or someone - comes along and affects or challenges me in a way that…well…destroys that clarity.

I knew that coming to PTown for the summer would be challenging. My overall goals were to decompress from over 20 years of constant formal education, get back in my rowing shape (or better), get tan, and to prove to myself that I was comfortable enough with my masculinity to dress in drag.

The decompressing is coming along. I actually miss being in school and having a reason to spend so much time reading non-fiction! I’ve gotten in the best shape I’ve been in for years. Speedo shape. Over the past two weeks I’ve faltered with the ice cream and pizza but nothing a few days at the gym won’t take care of
My tan is good. Not too tan, not too light. Just right. And dressing in drag was easier to do than I thought. It was Carnival so I was one of a thousand queens out there in heels. Though I did make a damn fine chica!

Overall, things have been coming along nicely. And then…there is the relationship.

First of all you should know I’m good at being single. Granted, I’m never single for long but it seems like my life always flows much more smoothly when I’m single. I like patterns. I like being clear and knowing the only expectations that matter are my own (because they are the only ones!). I like doing things spontaneously as I feel like it. I like alone time. I like flirting. I like getting to know new people by flirting. I like seeing if his penis is actually the size I thought it was going to be. I like going to dinner with different groups of people every night. I like seeing my friends. I like independence.

But then the following happens: I meet some guy. He seems a) nice, b) interesting, or c) strangely attractive.

We spend time getting to know each other. That time is a) romantic, b) exciting, or c) extremely fun.

We have sex. The sex is a) really good, b) really frequent, AND c) really exciting.

The guy seems good and things keep getting better. We become exclusive (which at that point had already happened for me because I’m incapable of dating more than one person at a time…yes, I’m such a lesbian). The days become weeks which become months.

Then it goes down hill. My patterns all revolve around the “US” and the “WE” and not the “ME.” My expectations are still clear but it’s not just mine I have to worry about - what about his? If he expects romantic sex tonight and I’m expecting a quickie before bed the sparks will fly…just the wrong sparks. That’s not a fun way to go to bed.

Spontaneity becomes going to a new Starbucks for coffee and my alone time is whittled down to going to the bathroom during dinner. Flirting becomes the enemy and meeting new people that way becomes THREAT-CON 1. Seeing another penis…only by going to the gym or visiting debriefing the boy. And even that is on the DL. shhhh…

“WE” can’t afford dinner and when we can it’s with the friends we already have. “Why yes, I have plans with friend X today.” “You’re not doing anything?” “Can you come along?” “er…I guess?” Goodbye independence.

No, that’s not any one relationship I’ve had. It’s actually a combination of the bad pieces from most of them. Still, pretty shitty.

Those bad pieces wore on me at the time they were happening and since then have caused me to be much more cautious about similar things happening in any other relationships.

That’s good…in a way…but it also sucks.

Now when I am having a problem in my current relationship I need to take extra time to figure out if I am overreacting because of something that has happened in a past relationship or if I should be rightly upset.

And do the problems that I have stem from things that are happening now or things I fear will happen in the near future? Am I trying to protect myself from getting to involved and getting hurt again or not giving someone who I believes truly loves me their fair shake? Or both?

I know that every relationship is different. This “WE” and “US” can think and feel different ways about everything from sex to alone time than the last “WE” and “US.” But it doesn’t stop me from thinking that the past will happen all over again and months or years of my life will be spent trying to make something work that eventually will not. The “WE” and “US” can make me challenge myself and become comfortable in ways I never thought of before but it can also cause so much conflict and problems.

While things can be more meaningful, fun, and challenging in an “US” and “WE”, things are so much simpler in an “I”.