Saturday, the day I had planned for Drew’s big 30th birthday dinner, we were all feeling groggy from the night before. Drew, Shauna, Nate, and I got up and ready and headed to News Cafe for brunch. News Cafe, by far, is my favorite place for brunch on South Beach. There is the best people watching and the food is quality.

Once we were done with brunch everyone but Drew headed back to the hotel room. He and his friend Scott had scheduled massages at Le Spa. oooooh massages….

Nate, Shauna, and I ended up watching tv - everything from the Ultimate Dog Challenge on Animal Planet to one of the Matrix movies. Yes, I know it’s Miami but it was raining and we needed to rest up for the debauchery that would ensure later that evening.

When we all got ready for the evening, we looked sharp. Everyone was dressed up fancy - girls in gorgeous dresses and boys in fun button down shirts. I even wore a tie and did my hair! Once everyone gathered in the hotel lobby we were ready to move on to 510 Ocean.

According to a review on OpenTable.com:

“Everything works at this one-month old restaurant,” writes Mark Goldberg (Sun Post). The food, prepared by Cory “Big Tex” Smith (formerly of Pacific Time), is exceptional. But it is the coming together of the food, service, setting, and music that makes 510 Ocean unlike any place on Ocean Drive. Guests can enjoy “Seamless Service” while dining in the cozy marble, wood, and onyx dining room or outdoors in the private garden.

They had suggested, and therefore I requested, the private garden outside for the 11 of us. It was awesome. The review continued…

The music, like the menu, is a coming together of different styles to create a cohesive whole. Where else can someone have “Filet Mignon au Poivre” or “Blackened Mahi Mahi” while listening to Nina Simone, Isaac Hayes, The White Stripes, Tupac, and Dave Matthews? Heralded by many as the best new restaurant in South Beach, 510 Ocean feels like a local’s spot landed in an unlikely location. Suzy Buckley (Ocean Drive Magazine) writes,”510 Ocean feels like Miami in the early 90’s”-and that is a good thing.

It was so much fun. Over $700 of fun! Which, come to think of it, was not THAT bad for 11 of us. The dj played such great music too - we were rockin’ out while eating.

After we left the restaurant we headed to Twist. I figured that since Drew got sick the night before - and therefore never got to gay it up - we HAD to stop. And since it was before 2am, there was promise it wouldn’t be sketch!

On the walk over we hit a Chanukah parade head on. WTF? Who has a Chanukah parade down Collins Ave at like almost 11pm?! HAHAHA

We were all just standing there like…well…WTF?

Twist was fun. We were only there for a few drinks, but enough time for me to 1) RANDOMLY run into my ex Tony (who became a porn “star” after we broke up - and yes he is THAT big) and 2) take off my button down and tie and get down to my t-shirt.

Since one of the items on the scavenger hunt was to take pictures of porn stars while we were in Miami a few people were upset they didn’t have their cameras on me!

By the time we left Twist I was feeling very tipsy. Understatement of the decade. From Twist we headed on to Score.

According to the SoBE experts, this was all backwards. Score, then Twist. Well, we were drunk and this is the way it happened. HAHA

And if we wouldn’t have gone to Score after Twist I wouldn’t have met my second porn star of the night.

This time I got someone to take a picture. His name was Tom and he claimed to be in some movie called “Ass and Balls 2.”

I may not be a porn expert, but I’ve never heard of it. Drew jokingly asked him if he was in the first “Ass and Balls” but Tom claimed to only be in the sequel. I asked if he was the ass or the balls.

“Both,” he replied.

He looked a little “more than drunk” if you catch my drift. We lost Tom after that. We did, however, manage to hold on to his friend Seth (who I subsequently named “sausage fingers” because they were HUGE). Drew called him “Sloth” because he was a little…well…sloth-like. HA!

After we left Score we headed back to Ocean Drive to “Mangos Tropical Cafe” Sausage Fingers grabbed each one of the girls individually and danced with them. He was like 6′8″ so the “dancing” looked more like mauling.

We lost Seth after a while too. He creeped me out a little.
We sneeked out of there after a while and headed back to the hotel bar. It was like 4am so most everyone went to bed. The few that lasted ended up meeting these two straight guys from some European country. Vesa and Yurik were their names. At some point we decided to go get pizza at the Pizza Rustica on Collins Ave with the two Europeans and then, again, headed back to the hotel.

This time to SLEEP. It was almost 5am.

How do Britney and Paris do it?