Gravity isn’t working against me. But something seems to be.

It’s 4:40am as I type this. I am naked, under the covers, and a bit drunk. The Annie’s chicken fingers and french fries of death have take off much of the drunkeness but I am still looking at my computer screen out of one eye. I consider that drunk.

I had a great night with Shauna - dinner, drinks with Drew and PST, and then Cobalt. We danced the night away.

So I need to get something off my chest. Something that is really bothering me, especially after this past week. This is a better time than any, right?

One of my exes is a total ass. OK, a few of them are, but there is one in particular that causes a physical and chemical reaction in my body every time I interact with him. Of course, he lives here in DC.

We dated for a year and a half. We integrated our lives, our friends, and our finances. I went through some of the hardest times of my life in that relationship. It wasn’t because my life was harder than it was before. Grad school was tough, but I was managing it. It was the relationship. Being so different, we both tried to make it work. And it didn’t. He was cold, disconnected, and not passionate. It made me so sad.

At one point I thought it was me. I thought I was incappable of having a real relationship. I was so upset one day I actually considered jumping off my 14th floor balcony. Not a passing thought - I was crying for about an hour before I left the apartment and plowed forward with my day.

Looking back, it was the worst point I had every been in my life. I had never been (or have been since) that unhappy.

I hold a lot of secrets from that relationship - secrets that if I ever revealed it would destroy my ex. But I would never reveal his secrets. I’m not that person. Even with the way he has been treating me.

Since we have broken up 99% of the friends we shared mutually have disappeared from my life. This is the kicker - the New Year’s after we broke up I had four of “our” friends hitting on me at Cobalt and asking me to go home with them. I denied them and none of them have spoken to me since. Immature. Assholes.

This past week I have run into my ex and “our”/his friends three times and each time has been utterly awkward. To the point of me being pissed enough to write about it in a drunkeness at 5:07am now.

A lot of my friends tell me I should not worry about it - that it’s “no big deal”.

Right. Let me break it down.

I dated someone for a year and a half. I loved him. I changed my entire life in order to fit in with the things he wanted and/or expected from me. I was there for him through things that people will never know about.

It slowly killed me. But I stuck with it.

Until I couldn’t any longer. And I told him that. We tried to “fix” it. 3 months later I broke up with him. It stuck for a day. We tired to “fix” it again. 3 months later I broke up with him for good. I had tried enough.

It was over. Because we had moved in together, we had a few months left before our lease was up. I was emotionally over the relationship and since we were no longer civiliy speaking (yet living together) I started moving on.

Yes, I had sex with other people. Since we were having sex once a month - at the most - towards the end of our relationship, getting some regular sex was…um…NICE.

Finally we moved out and went our separate ways. I thought eventually things would settle down and we could be friends again. I mean, we were together for a year and a half and I loved him. We could be friends, right?

Clearly, no. And not because of me. Because he’s an immature ass.

Every single one of “our” friends turns the other way when I see them. When it’s a situation where I come face to face with them it’s one of those “oh…hey…how are you…yeah, gotta run…bye…” situations. I can only wonder why. I can only wonder what the f*#&@ they think happened between the two of us. I can’t help but wonder if his insecurity about his secrets in our relationship turned into rumors and inuendos about me.

Again, I am told I shouldn’t care. But when you get to know, like, spend time, get birthday presents, get housewarming presents, and be around a group of people over the course of a year and a half and all of a sudden they turn their backs on you…it’s strange.

It might even hurt a little.

And I would be over it by now if I know I had done something wrong. If I cheated on him, I could understand. If I had f#*$ him over, I could understand. If I had lied to him, I could understand. But I didn’t. I loved him until I couldn’t. And I was honest about it.

Story of my life. Being honest with how I feel.

Anyways, I’m starting to fall asleep. At this pointI don’t even know how I started this post, but I’m sure I’ll cringe in the morning.

Good night….